We've all had them—those "I can't believe he did that!" moments on first dates. I once went on a dinner date with a guy who not only kept his cell phone on the table, but took a call from his mom during our meal. Another guy invited me out for coffee and asked for my share — all of $3 — when it was time to pay up.
Of course, being the open-minded woman I am, I wrote them off as total psychopaths. But can you really read that much into first-date behavior? Just about, says Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in relationships in New York. "Everything you want to know about someone is there for you right at the beginning," she notes. And you're more apt to pick it up in a first meeting than a second or third when "emotions get involved, and clear thinking diminishes," she adds.
Fortunately, first dates are great for spotting character, too. We polled experts and frequent daters to help you detect early tip-offs he's got serious boyfriend potential. Here, what to look for.
#1: He's kind to the wait staff/taxi driver/doorman.
Does he thank the parking attendant as he hands over his keys? Make polite small talk with not only the waiter but the busboys, too? Consider that your good-guy alert. "A man who can treat people well no matter what their income level or 'station' in life will treat you in a more considerate way, no matter what your profession," says Dianne Daniels, an image consultant in Norwich, CT. The guy who considers himself above the taxi driver or doorman, on the other hand, may soon act like he's better than you (or your profession or your family). Plus, you'll always feel mortified about his hideous manners. And if your date is gracious about a mishap (from his burned steak to that nick on his car), give him extra points: He's likely to stay calm under all kinds of relationship pressure.
#2: He could pass for Jon Stewart.
Meaning: Instead of blathering on about himself, he asks smart questions that don't come off as probing. And if, like a certain late-night host, he happens to be cute, smart and quick with a self-deprecating one-liner, marry the guy! But seriously: A guy who asks you questions rather than reciting his resume is "someone who is capable of caring about someone else," says Sherman. On the other hand, she adds, "If you can't get a word in edge-wise, either the guy is narcissistic or very insecure."
Having gone out with both types, Kelly Jeffrey, 25, of Fountain Hills, AZ, now knows to tune her radar to what she calls The Ratio: how much he talks about you versus himself. "If he's an active listener and follows up on questions he asks you, you know he's genuinely interested and not just going through the motions," she says. "Besides, the communications skills become oh-so-handy later on!"
#3: His cell is off.
Unless he's an on-call surgeon or volunteer fireman, that Nokia should be nowhere in sight. "If he takes casual calls during your date, he has other priorities, and you may always come in second," warns Daniels. Ask yourself this: Do you want to get involved with a guy who can't go two hours without talking to his broker? Or his buddies? Or his ex?
For sure, lots of us take calls 24/7. But that's why a guy's refusal to text or yak during your date is so telling. "It implies you are more important than a random call, and he wants to be fully present for your night out," says Daniels. Bottom line: He's not the kind of guy who's always hoping for better plans to come along.
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